Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller

I don’t know how many times I, we have been in this position where I have to explain to you again why I am angry with you. It’s as if I am speaking another language. No matter what I say, the message just doesn’t seem to get through… I think to myself what can I say? How can I communicate to you the depth of emotion I am feeling without shouting and screaming. I resort to being sarcastic, sneering, talking to you as if you were a child, anything that will allow you to understand why.

I try to embarrass you, shame you to take responsibility for your actions to act like an adult, not a selfish person whose ID seems to be on full tilt. I understand you work hard, we all do, it’s your way of coping, but, do you not understand what you do also has a ricochet effect on me too? Yes, you have the right to live your life as you please, to have autonomy, you are your own person in your own right. But, while you have been busying yourself with you, have you not forgotten about the ‘we’ in all of this?

So in my attempt to reach you I go through this process, until I reach a point where I am eventually calm and and speak to you quietly from my heart, my last ditch attempt, hoping I am speaking in the right voice, a language you will finally understand that I have not given up on you yet…I am still fighting for you, for us…

Quotingly me

“True friends stab you in the front.”- Oscar Wilde

Sometimes it just has to be said. Maybe because we are not in each other’s pocket like we used to be, maybe be you dropped the ball, maybe you thought I was that ‘friend’ you could slot into your busy schedule….

Do you remember how I used to make time for you in my busy day, trying not to show how busy I was, that I was always there for you? Did you think that because I was ‘available’ that you could pull that ‘stunt’ ( or is the word nowadays ‘shade’?) on me. Or did you think  because I wasn’t a social butterfly, that I could be become a ‘reminder’ on your to do list?

I know, I have changed. But last time we met, you told me you liked the change, ‘back to me’. Yes, you were right, back to me, back to who I know me to be, back to who I should be. Less filtered, less polite, standing in my truth, without being brutally so…but speaking up for me, fighting for me. Letting all the  ‘you’ know, that things are different now. I don’t expect you to be a mind reader, to have the level of emotional intelligence to know that how you have treated me is at best ‘shabby’ for you own gain. To make yourself feel better, by ticking me off a checklist.

I have never wanted to be that type of friend…who would make another feel like an acquaintance. So yes, I am prepared to wait to see you, so we can have ‘that talk’, so I can stop pretending that everything is ok and we can get back to a more meaningful relationship, where we can cut the crap and get down to the nitty gritty, where real emotions lie. Or else what’s the point?

I deserve that…

Quotingly me

“…oh no not I, I will survive…” Gloria Gaynor.

 

Just for fun..?! I decided to take the challenge of the daily prompt…today (but who knows if I really enjoy it, I may do it more often…argh, did I really say that in print?).

The first thing that sprang to mind, when contemplating this word, was the Gloria Gaynor song – I will survive. The female anthem, sang by many women who took back their lives, a song of empowerment if you will.

Survival means different things to different individuals, but what they all share in common is the ability to remain hopeful in the midst of difficult and challenging situations. It is a word that describes the process of getting through something, the acknowledgement of a difficult, challenging and even overwhelming situation. The action (and affirmation) being, I will cope, deal with, survive and overcome this and finally survived it.

In this way, survival is a positive process (although it may not feel like it at the time). It is one of hope, trust and joy in the future and the belief that difficulties and trials are part of life, not life itself. We survive and are survivors, so that we can pave the way forward for all of us,  showing  the power of the human spirit…each and everyone one of us has a survival story to tell. Let us use them when ready, to empower others….

quotingly me

 

 

“Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” Maya Angelou

Another quote by Maya Angelou. I guess I’m in a Maya kind of mood. But the woman has got some seriously good quotes about life.

It seems so innocuous at first, so cute, a throw away kind of quote. The type you see on greeting cards. So why did I pick it?  The definition of a rainbow is:

an arch of colours visible in the sky, caused by the refraction and dispersion of the sun’s light by rain or other water droplets in the atmosphere. The colours of the rainbow are generally said to be red, orange, green, blue, indigo and violet.

To be a rainbow, is to be the ray of sunshine to someone’s cloud or pain. One is dependent on the other. You cannot have a rainbow without the two elements.  This is easier said than done. By our very nature, what we give is also what we want for ourselves or are looking for. Also by nature we are judgemental creatures, thinking whether or not someone deserves our ‘rays of sunlight’ or why should we put ourselves out for ‘them.’

I understand, I have and still am that person…how do you be someone’s joy when their’s appears to be so painful, dark and they refuse to acknowledge it? It seems like the worst thunder storm with no end in sight, with no break in the clouds, let alone the sun.

How do you show love and be someone’s rainbow in these circumstances? It’s simple, you do, because you can….I have come to the conclusion that to hold back, to be begrudging of things to be different, blocks the ability of giving…love.

Some of us are strong, are radiant enough to be a ‘rainbow’ to others. We can withstand the clouds and rain to show kindness, love and hope to others in their time of need or if they have lost their way. This does not have to be done in a ‘Disney’ kind of way, shouting from the rooftops, but quietly, constantly being there in the background waiting to ‘appear’ when the emotional conditions are right….

quotingly me

 

 

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not be reduced by them.” Maya Angelou

What do you do if you feel you have been wronged or unfairly treated as a person? I have been and am, as I write this dealing this issue.

I had been been brought up to think that good things happen to good people. Although I know this was an ideal to reach for, in my heart I still believed and believe it to be true.

So you can imagine to my surprise when a series of events occurred recently that blew that concept out of the water. My initial reaction was shock quickly followed by anger, how could they do this to me?  I felt used, abused, taken of advantaged off. But then I decided to stand firm in my belief that I had done nothing wrong and my intentions were one of integrity.

Over the past few days I have been reflecting on why this happened to me and what I could have done differently. I could only come up with this – take time for you. What was done to me was because I am a naturally alteristic person. While this is a good thing, too much does not leave enough time to honour the self and take care of the person holistically so they are healthy enough to carry out the many roles they have in life.

I believe that if I were not this kind of person, this may not have happened to me ( I say may because one never knows the real reasons behind why anyone does anything, unless they are honest enough to reveal that to you). Don’t get me wrong I am not a push over. I spoke my mind and as they say ‘called out’ the situation and people concerned. But, it still maddened me that they thought they could try to manipulate and take advantage of me in that way.

I  still have not fully resolved the situation emotionally within myself but, I know as  Maya says I …”decide not to be reduced by them.” And I will not be….

quotingly me

 

 

“It is what it is. Accept it and move on.”

 

As a first time blogger, I guess I do not know how to start. So I will start with the obvious, I love quotes. For me they are a snapshot of someone’s feelings and emotions on life and in this way timeless. I find that I can find a quote that expresses how I am feeling at any particular point in time.

The quote above is quite fitting. I do not know who it is from, but will add the person if known. Nothing in life will protect us for what we are to experience, in this way, ‘life’ happens to us all. It is what it is….what is done cannot be undone. We cannot change people who feel they have nothing to change or do not want to change. We must accept this, no matter how painful it is and move on emotionally. In my early years, I did not understand this and thought my positive presence and will would be enough to change any situation. But, later on in life I realised the obvious, that some individuals make their own choices for their own reasons that we may never understand, no matter how hard we try. And unless they are willing to be courageous enough to be open and expose themselves emotionally, we never will..

Acceptance ( or foregiveness could be another word) does not mean just acknowledging what has happened, the situation you are in or what has been done to you, but, it also means letting go of the behaviour, not the person ( but this depends on your own unique situation or circumstances) so you are free to be at peace with yourself and allow joy to enter your life.

This does not make us fools, on the contrary, because it takes courage and  wisdom to fight truly with the heart and not the head….

quotingly me….